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Submitted on
February 12
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i.

tread noiselessly, and you become rabbitchild

there is a strength in silence

God hears your footsteps and counts your paces, maybe,

but no one sees, no one speaks

let it be, sweet destiny,

let it have its way with you

;; (& your children)

ii.

i'm no architect, but hear me:

i know a hieroglyphic when i see one

and the writing's on the wall


debutantes' young feathers

won't save you now

daddy knows best, always knows best

iii.

mama sings sad song when she braids warrior knots in your scalp

and sends you to the war that is life
((right place, wrong time

wrong place, right time))


EDIT;; thank you again for the DD, the lovely comments, and overwhelming support. i love you.
will be submitting to a local library's contest, wish me luck!
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-03-14
Headdress by rainbowdogg ( Featured by GrimFace242 )
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014   Writer
A very beautiful piece.

I adore the last two lines, particularly.

Congratulations on a well-earned DD!
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:iconcreataire:
creataire Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much!
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:iconyynxs:
YYNXS Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
Unfortunately I write.  Now I am ashamed of those works without this strength or emotional contact.  I will follow you a while to see if my personal genre shrinks in fear or grows bold with new knowledge.  Well done.  Well done.

Yynxs
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:iconcreataire:
creataire Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much for your support! i hope you find what you need from following. please, never feel ashamed for writing. not every piece will be perfect, but don't give up!
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:iconcaptivityisevil:
captivityisevil Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
nice
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:iconinto-oblivion97:
Into-Oblivion97 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"mama sings sad song when she braids warrior knots in your scalp

and sends you to the war that is life"

Those lines really hit me in a sensitive place. I get flashbacks from the personal little war that was my childhood. 
It hurts in that sweet, lovely way that only poetry does. 


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:iconabigailmacd:
AbigailmacD Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist
I don't understand 
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:iconpursuingthecerberus:
PursuingTheCerberus Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Professional Writer
I really enjoyed parts of this very much.

The first stanza is delightful, though I became tripped up by the double semi-colon and it sort of took the impact away.  Is there some meaning that is escaping me for this usage?

What is the connection between being an architect and hieroglyphics?

Lines 4-6 of stanza two are great and the last stanza is PERFECT.

I'm glad to have read some of your work!

 
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:iconcreataire:
creataire Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
this is a really thoughtful comment, and i'm really grateful for that!

i've been playing around with some stylistic things lately, a lot of times i use semicolons to make something like an aside or afterthought. although if it detracts from the impact, that's counterproductive! i've received a lot of mixed responses from my semicolons, so i'm rethinking my usage. 

the main connection is, i think, architects create. so do hieroglyphics, but if you left a hieroglyphic in a building, wouldn't it just be graffiti? i like to leave my things open to interpretation; i think telling people how to look at any form of art is sort of against the point. but i mostly intended to say architects plan and build homes. hieroglyphics are messages not everyone understands, and are marks made on things that already exist. the speaker doesn't claim to be a better homemaker, but still sees the cryptic signs that speak of danger. thank you for asking; elaborating was a good way for me to sort out some of my own leftover thoughts on this piece.

thanks so much for the in depth analysis. i don't get so much of that, but really, it means a lot. 

have a nice day!
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:iconpursuingthecerberus:
PursuingTheCerberus Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014  Professional Writer
Hey!

I definitely agree that playing with stylistic elements in search of one's own voice/style is a fantastic thing! I love semi-colon's and use them a ton myself....the only thing that was weird about that line was the DOUBLE semi-colon's followed by "&" and something in parenthesis.  If something in a poem has no real function and is a distraction it should probably go, but don't sacrifice artistic identity/style for others opinions.  On that same note, we all can't get away with what EE Cummings did.  The key is to find a good balance.  We're all searching for that!

I appreciate your clarification.  It is definitely highly abstract with loose connections in the poet's mind.  In my opinion that portion of the poem needs revisions, but I think you've got a strong draft here with strong direction and voice, it just needs a bit more focus to keep the reader's attention.  I definitely dig it so far.
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